Subatomic Brainfreeze

BADASS MANLY ANIME REVIEW IS BACK - IN TUMBLE FORM

So I decided to put Badass Manly Anime Review on a tumblr too. After Kinoko Naisu (don't worry, he's still around) I just thought this would be a good idea. Is it actually? I don't know, I suppose we'll find out! The third review is something I have had sitting around for going on two years now, back when Ristorante Paradiso first aired. The show really begged for the treatment. It was saved for a secret project that didn't go down, and I've just sat on the review until today. Anyway, enjoy!

So I opened a gimmick blog - FOR GENIUS WRITER KINOKO NAISU

A couple posts ago I did a bit about the Kara no Kyoukai DVD release, and it went over pretty well with people. I've already had a pretty big success with gimmicky gag posts like this, so I figured I would do what I never actually did with Badass Manly Anime Review: just put the things up on a Tumblr.

Anyway, forget all that, I don't really have anything to do with it. This is the personal blog of one of the breakthrough minds in otaku fiction, Kinoko Naisu. Certainly you've heard of him. Mr. Naisu has graciously agreed to comment on the pressing otaku issues of the day in his inimitable style. I'm absolutely in his debt, and I think that you'll feel the same way. Payments may be made out to me, of course. I'll get them to him!

BADASS MANLY T-SHIRT UPDATE: NOW YOU CAN BUY THEM FROM ME

Alright, here's what's going on: if you want to level up your Man Power by engraving the true names of the Roses' souls into your flesh, I'm here to help. There are three shirts in men's L and three shirts in men's XL. Price is $20 shipped inside the US, to my Paypal at sub_abbreviated@hotmail.com. I will be updating this post as the shirts are sold. If I don't have your size, do not despair: post on the comments here and Poots and I will get another order going. We can probably make whatever you need. The shirts I have here will be shipped out ASAP, and any new shirts will take two weeks.

Warning: This blog does not take responsibility for any reckless, illegal, or ultra-manly actions you, the buyer, take as a result of this t-shirt.

BADASS MANLY ANIME REVIEW: FUCKIN' MARMITE

Update: the new Badass Manly Anime Review of Santa Claus Paradise is on the new Tumblr.

UPDATE 9/30/08: Hey, kids! Buy the T-shirt right now from me!

Actually, one of Anonymous' replies to this one was "Go back to whatever shitty anime blog you came from." I'm glad to tell Anonymous that I took that advice to heart and got a shitty anime blog. And here we are today! Thanks, Anonymous! You're the dude! Another interesting fact is that the domain manlybadass.com redirects you to SaiGar 2007,  "the tournament to find the most bad-ass, manliest character in Anime today." I'm very proud of those guys, but how could they leave Honey off the list? Anyway, I'm disclaiming you guys again. For Chrissake, this is a joke review. The views of Badass Manly Anime Reviewer do not necessarily reflect the views of this Internet. The character of Badass Manly Anime Reviewer uses "dyke" and "faggot" as terms of endearment. He also loves the French. Did you know that this review is mirrored on a porn spam site? It's true! Google it!

 

A couple days ago I was watchin' Ouran and like, these total fuckin' bull-dykes just invade shit. At first you think they're dudes but then they're like WE'RE CHICKS and then they start fuckin' singin' and then they try and steal the Host Club's ho. And I'm thinking "damn, son." These bitches have NUTS. Maybe dicks. I'm not gonna ask, man. But anyway these cunts were hardCORE. So like, after I reviewed Ouran one of you Anonymous motherfuckers told me that there was a whole anime about like, the place that these crazy-ass dykes go to school. Like where they TRAIN to dyke out.

So I went down to the basement and I asked my little sister and her fuckin' little giggly friends (I slipped the Indiana Cocksausage to like three of them so far, high-five me son) and I says to them where can I find this anime with the school full of carpet-slobbers? And they start fuckin' giggling like always. Later that night, while her buddy Koneko-chan was blowing me, she fuckin' slipped me a DVD-R that said MARMITE on it. And some pictures of flowers and ^_^ faces and shit. Now any lady worth her tits knows that I need to be handled with two hands but I let it slide just this once. Score.

I don't know no, like, fuckin' moon-man talk, but I looked on the internet and Marmite is supposed to be a word that means "Virgin Mary is watchin'." I was raised Catholic, man, so I know all about that shit. Like when I'm beating the shit out of guys outside a bar, i'm always fuckin' making the sign of the cross so that she sees that I'm an alright dude and this heathen-ass motherfucker I'm kicking in the face is gettin' what's comin' to him. Otherwise, up in heaven, Mary shoots some holy lightning out her fingers and let me tell you you don't wanna be on the ass end of that.

Anyway this school is kind of like prison because they have this bitch system where the older bulldyke like takes a cute little dyke-in-training under her wing. They call it some French shit like pet soup. Fuckin' frogs never make any sense. I dunno why they put them in this anime. Then she teaches her the special techniques and stuff that you need to crash host clubs and take their women. It's like how if Goku trains by himself, right, he doesn't build his power level that fast, but if he does it with fuckin' 100 times gravity it's like DAAAMN. See, the big dyke is like gravity.

So this is the biggest dyke there is. Her name is some crazy moonshit like Satchmo Omega or something. She doesn't even fuck around a little bit. If your tie is tied wrong she'll walk right the fuck over and fix that shit on the double. And then she'll look at you all like "what? you deserve this, you sloppy cunt.". Then she just walks away. That's hardcore. When I saw that shit I was like WHAT.

This chick Yumi here is who Satchmo is trying to stick her fingers in. Satchmo does this shit where she goes to the door but she knows Yumi is already there so she just pounces on that ass. Then she's like "girl you're my little sister now". Goddamn. That's smooth. But Yumi is you know one of those hard-to-nail kind of bitches and she's like "no thanks Satchmo" (even though she SO wants it), and so Satchmo has to like, hunt that pussy until it yields. I can totally identify with that. And that's basically what the show is about, but there are a fuckin' billion other clit-chompers too.

So these are the ones that run shit. The Big Dykes. They're so badass that people named them after flowers, which is like, the ultimate honor if you're a muff-licker. Cause lezzies always say that pussies look like flowers, and if you're named after one that means you're the ultimate pussy. Even chicks wonder about whether or not they're the ultimate, sometimes.

Okay, this is Sega Genesis. She is probably the most ultimate because, like, way back in the day, on the wild frontier, she made Satchmo her bitch. So Satchmo has to call herself, like, Sega Genesis In Bottom and that's FUCKED UP man but that's how these crazy-ass dykes operate. They don't give a GOD damn.

This chick is Rosa Gigantor and she's the ill pimp. She's always like trying to take Yumi to the back of the mansion to make out and maybe shove something in one of her holes, you know? Yumi is all "oh no" and shit but you know the thing I noticed about that chick? She always fuckin' wants it. I can tell. I bet when she resists, it like, gets Gigantor's clitoris even HARDER. If I had to be a girl (god forbid and god bless my cock), I'd be Rosa Gigantor any fuckin' day. She scores almost as much as I do, probably.

Rosa Gigantor is so fuckin' hardcore that her lesbo-in-training is that Harmonica girl from Harry Potter. Girl-on-girl is magic if you ask me, so like she basically had to come here sooner or later.

 

This chick is Rosa Febreeze. In one episode it looks like she's dating a guy, and all the dykes totally fuckin' dyke out, like they're gonna kick her out of her club or some shit. It turns out she's just chillin' with her bros. There's this other part where Satchmo is engaged to her cousin, and this whole thing where you call your lezzie fuckbuddy your little sister is kind of weird. I mean I only fuck my little sister's friends, you know? I heard that rich people fuck their cousins to make sure that like, poor people blood doesn't get into your system. Cause if you have poor people blood it like makes your whole family poor. The bad part is that when you only have rich people blood, eventually retards come out. I think they call it the "one percent rule". I guess people do what they gotta do to hold on to those papers.

Anyway this is Ray and he's kind of got this Bosom Buddies thing going where he's, like infiltrated, and told the dykes at school he's just a really mannish chick. He's so mannish that when he pulls out the cock they're like "oh i understand you poor thing" and let him fuckin' bone them at will. That'd be the life for me, except for I'd never wear a dress. What is this guy, some kind of faggot? But then he's all about the pussy! Can there be a thing where you like both or something? I don't get it. That's still faggot shit to me. Anyway, his little sister has these handlebar braids that I would pull on like a motherfucker while I hit it from behind. They're cousins too. Remember those rug-muncher cousins from fuckin' Sailor Moon? That shit was berserker.

More like Big Brother is Watching You Try To Make Out because one day I'm gonna fuckin' train my ass off, walk into one of these prissy-bitch schools and fuckin' wreck every pussy in the house right there on the spot. 4 stars. I had to take one off because this show almost made me want to bang my sister. That ain't right. 

BADASS MANLY ANIME REVIEW: FUCKIN' OURAN HIGH SCHOOL GODDAMNED HOST MOTHERFUCKING CLUB

Update: the new Badass Manly Anime Review of Santa Claus Paradise is on the new Tumblr.

Ever since I made that little post about the Marimite review, I've had a lot of hits coming to the site from people looking for Badass Manly Anime Reviewer. I think it's about that time, so I'm gonna put the Badass Manly Anime Reviews up on the new site, so that they may be found. You gotta give people what they want, you know? A disclaimer follows: For Chrissake, this is a joke review. The views of Badass Manly Anime Reviewer do not necessarily reflect the views of this Internet. Ignore the Youtube links; they have long since been pulled by the copyright holders.

Guys, I found this badass new anime called Ouran High School Host Club. At first I was like "the fuck's a host club man fuck this shit", but they explain that shit right off:

Yeah, man. These dudes fuck rich chicks all day and get paid for it. That's the life.
They call this guy the King because his pimp hand is strongest in the host club. Right here he's doing some kung-fu grip mind control shit with this bitch's chin to make her go down on him. Damn, I wish I had superpowers like on TV.

These dudes are twins and their special move is that they act like fags. Then when the chick's guard is down they like run a train on that ass. That's a pretty good idea but I'm not about to do any of that real shit like the lesbians on Girls Gone Wild. I wouldn't trust another man to act like he's touching my package either. Cause like, it's pretty huge. Even if he was straight before what if he like changes his mind all of a sudden and just fuckin' goes for the grab? I can't be like "WHOA THERE FAGGOT-IN-TRAINING, WE'RE JUST DOING THIS FOR POON", because then the girls just leave and all I get out of the deal is a hand on my nuts. Shit is dangerous. But these guys are really good at it so it works every time, even though they could like slip into gayness at any moment. I heard once that this is how you get pussy at anime conventions, but I think it's like an urban radio legend or whatever they call that shit.

This guy's name is Honey. It's one of those things where like, the guy is so fuckin' badass that he gives himself a really pussy name, so that when people are like "hey pussy, nice pussy name", he fuckin' does a backflip and breaks your neck. They call him a "lolishota". I don't know what that is but I think it's some kinda martial art like Hokuto Shinken because this kid's a fuckin' ninja or some shit. Matter of fact? Dude check this shit out. At fuckin' 2:49 this kid is all like TAAAAAAARZAAAAAAAAAN and he totally fuckin' kicks the shit out of some Jin-Roh-lookin' motherfuckers. He's totally harsh.

This dude is like Honey's bodyguard or something. He doesn't talk because he's got this look on his face like "just try something bitch i'll break yo' legs". There's this one part (at fuckin' 2:49 again, that shit is NUTS) where this slut totally wants him to bone her, but he's one of those dudes where like he probably doesn't even fuckin' close his eyes when he sleeps because like, Honey might get attacked by enemy ninjas and he might have to fuckin' do like piledrivers on their shit. I dunno man, I think a real friend would be like "dude don't worry about me, go hit that".

This guy is like, the smart one. He's always scheming and counting shit, like how many rich bitches they nailed and how much they got paid for it. One time this crazy-ass psycho chick thought he was from a videogame, like that time I asked that guy with the mullet at the supermarket if he was Solid Snake. Lol, dude. Solid Snake. But seriously, never date those girls who do that cosplay shit. My ex was like that, and one morning I woke up and she was all crying and bleeding all over my fuckin' carpet. Then she started chanting some shit about moons and makeup and tried to set the place on fire. Fuckin' weird.

Anyway this chick comes in and breaks a vase so they tell her it was worth like a kajillion dollars so that she'll be their fuckin' slave forever. Pretty hot, right? It kind of reminded me of when I was a pledge.

 

YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS, WITH MY COCK. I've blossomed a lot of virgins' aesthetics if you know what I mean. So basically, this show is just like my real life.
FIVE STARS