Between Arcana at CF and the chiptune show at the Tank last night, I was left with absolutely no money to do anything tonight. Solution: I spend my last on a six-pack of Guinness at the supermarket and chillax with the new Gurren-Lagann episode. That done, I had an even better idea:
I will liveblog End of Evangelion right now.
Last night I was thinking about doing a Badass Manly Anime Review of it-- and I still might-- but I think that right now, halfway through my six-pack, is the best time to handle Hideaki Anno's directorial shit fit masterpiece. I won't edit the text, but I won't be making screenshots as I write either. I may do so later.
So, so many corporate sponsors: a goddamn mountain of corporate sponsors. Does every Japanese movie start like this? Sega has probably recouped anything they paid for whatever they paid to sponsor this movie and they probably wasted it on Shenmue, too. Then they made more money, post-Shenmue, and I guess they gave it to Yuji Naka and he ate it. That seal that shows up in the corner of movie titles: I guess he's getting that out of the way.
That's right, the first thing I have to talk about is jerking off in front of a comatose girl. Women scare this kid, you know? Women scare otaku. You know. So they end up jerking off on a comatose girl. There's a whole section on Danbooru where dudes do this with comatose PVC figures. It's many Shinjis' fetish. Asuka's breasts are elegantly animated here. I want to do a showing of this where we've handed out trial-size tissues to everybody in the audience before the first three minutes are through.
Ah, the techs. They didn't get too much inner turmoil written for them. Misato is Fujiko, Anno? Really? I would love to watch an episode of Lupin III where they write Fujiko on the bad side of her manic depression. LUPIN I CAN'T THROW YOU THIS GRAPPLING HOOK. WHAT IS THE POINT OF GRAPPLING HOOKS ANYWAY, LUPIN? OR GRENADES OR ANYTHING?! GOD
Gendou Gendou fandom hero. God, what did he do anyway? I mean if that's your idea of smooth pimp get some new role models man. Watch Superfly. He got white lawyers.
Shinji listenin' no doubt to burrrrrn myyyyy dreeeaaaad on the mp3 player. Yeah man I bet you can't hear anythin else!
Misato is smoking a ribbon cable here. And no shit they're going to rush you guys down. It's kind of a bummer, you know, a shitty way to get laid off, but you guys should have really seen it coming. Blowing up angels and shit. If you run into God you kill him and if you kill God the government kills you because you're so hardcore you killed God. Dragon Quest would have you killing the government were it not the status quo of its home nation. Imagine the kids leveling in the streets for three weeks and marching on the capital! how terrible!
Ritsuko is not technically a milf, but you know.
How do you think Kouji Kabuto would deal with a government invasion? I think Tetsuya would have infiltrated the government and killed the Prime Minister weeks before it ever happened. Kind of a slasher movie moment here. Guys getting picked off by Jason, bleeding on their logos, shit like that.
Haha, tell Shinji to stand by in Unit 01. That shit always works. HE ALWAYS GETS IN THE ROBOT, THAT FUCKIN' KID. Also why worry about Rei getting killed? She's like the Venture Brothers. Oh dear God Shinji's sitting on the floor with his head in his arms.
And now some scenes from Counterstrike. Man, my one friend buys HL2 and a brand-new-at-the-time PC setup, and he just plays that Dust map over and over again. Even in CS they aren't, like, needlessly brutal this way. Is there a flamethrower in that? There can't be. They don't do that stuff.
Reluctance to kill before the commercial break. That's understandable.
I can't look at Rei anymore without seeing some insane alternate-universe merchandising variant of her. Like, right here, Rei is naked, but as I look at the screen, I don't see tits: I just see a girl doing tricks on her awesome new BMX bike.
And now it's that Misato scene. No wait, it's the techs discussing the ways in which they could die. I guess, what does one talk about at a time like this? You could talk about how humanity could have potentially evolved into a series of Ultraman monsters, like that giant diamond that sniped things, or the black-and-white one with the little plastic flaps on it that looks like that Ultraman monster that's an upside-down woman with a vagina for a face.
I don't want to die etc etc; Shinji and Asuka are sort of opposite parallels of patheticness. Repeat repeat repeat minimalist direction. Hey, I guess whatever works for you, man. Char thought of his mother too. They're also red, and deeply insecure. In SRW you would just put a Brain Powerd unit or an Eva in your squad, and they wouldn't do anything cool like axe kick helicopters, but they would totally AT Field everybody. Does that mean Asuka's mom also loves Guy Shishio? I'll let you answer that question.
Like doves in a John Woo movie, these guys. Surfboards and wings and smiles on their faces. Look at that disappointed look on Misato's face. It's like, she always wanted Shinji to awaken and hit that, but sorry, lady, you got nothin'. I think Asuka just did some Hokuto Shinken on one of these dudes.
Okay, okay, this is that Misato scene. And look at this look on this dumbass' face. Omigod her hand is bloody. Puss. But it's like when people insult Megatokyo and Piro just says "yeaaaaah, I knoooow" and continues to make whatever that guy makes to do two pages a month. Man, that's a hell of a life. I wonder what the odds are, you know, God's odds for the Shinjis of the world winning like that. I figure it's one in every, maybe, two billion or so. In anime they get to kiss hot chicks but that's just too ludicrous for otaku. It would be more like they got to kiss a girl-- or maybe a boy?-- wearing a latex mask. One of my friends is Misato.
Meanwhile, blood. You know what Heart did when he saw blood? Murderous rampages. IT HURRRRTS. This stuff with the biomechanical robot mutilation here, it probably hurts like fuck too. There's, again, a lot of Ultraman in these manlike figures grappling with one another. Especially that sleeper hold bit. I want to see some cardboard go to pieces. Did I ever tell you about the time I caught a cardboard building at a Kaiju Big Battle show? It was my foul ball. I didn't even know Evas had Revolver Stakes in their shoulders. I want to sing Vanishing Trooper now.
I wasn't even typing during the Ritsuko and Gendou part because I don't have any wisecracks for something so bitter. I truly blah blah blah. What a great gut punch though, right? And there's Longinus. Dai-Phallus! GO!! I have two Lances of Longinus but they're plastic and they can't actually pierce the barriers between people's hearts. Suddenly, Evabalism! This was probably Ultraman from the start. Do you think they might eventually sell an impaled Asuka 1/6 scale PVC? Do you think somebody already made it and sold it at Wonder Festival? Do you think somebody already masturbated on it?
Megumi Ogata is an incredibly talented screamer, not in the porno sense or the hot-blooded sense but in the terrifying sense, and I guess that's why nobody's hired her and they hired Yuki Goto instead to provide audio porn for Haruhi. oh my oh no oh golly don't touch me there IYA! I like Mitsuru's voice better. The girl is a smoke-filled room.
So many movies could do with rotating spiral credits. It looks like everybody in the world worked on this shit. I'm gonna take a quick piss.
Okay, back.now we've got a lot of company logos: Cospa and Paper Moon stick out, Cospa for selling the only classy otaku T-shirts that anybody makes, and Paper Moon for making those creepy life-sized Asuka and Rei mannequins. A friend nearly bought the life-size Saber but I think he thought better of it. This is a really pretty song.
Five women, eh? God, Anno, for a guy whose fictional alterego can't deal with women, you're smooth. You're damn smooth. I bet you were gunning for three of those women. I don't know which ones but I assume three because one of them must be your mom, and I know you're not gunning for your mom. But you'd let a girl, say, act like your mom, if she got drunk all the time and wore that top and those Daisy Dukes around the house, you know?
Hey man, maybe soon the neocons will end up like SEELE. Through indiscriminate death and prayer they'll be singin' LET THE EAAAAGLE SOOOAR while giant robots destroy the earth. Where is Ideon when you need him? Where is Char? He would have survived this shit.
And how's that for your indiscriminate death! It's a robonuke! This guy on /a/ posted a thread where he calculated that Zengar's awesome super move generated like 1/14th of the Hiroshima bomb. I don't know where he got his stats from, but man, Zengar would be fucked anyway. It's too bad, because of all the characters in this movie, I really think that Zengar deserves to win.
And why didn't Jesus just push through the nails on the cross if it was that easy? Even Toki could have done that much. Not that Toki isn't tougher than Jesus, or nothin'.
Hooray it's time for giant Rei! Another idea I had was to have the crowd count the amount of stylized vaginas they saw onscreen during the movie. You know, a running tally. Then, at the end, I or somebody else would go up and say "THERE WERE, IN FACT, SIXTY-THREE." and whoever is closest-- really closest and not lying like kids actually would at an anime showing and they'd try to steal the DVD too (did you know ADV uses DVD-Rs for showings sometimes when the discs are early? that must be commonplace)-- they'd get a PVC figure of Rei doing a trick on a BMX bike. I need to buy that fucking thing. I need to glue it to the roof.
And here Shinji succumbs to his manlust. The last time I saw a giant robot compared to a demon it was Gaogaigar, and Gaogaigar was totally the good guy. God was just this asshole with a syringe. Shinji's making kind of a Yaranaika face here. Uho!
Meanwhile, mountain boobs. Playing with doll-children, possibly Super Dollfies, like the protagonist of Rozen Maiden or something. Do you think Shinji would be better off if old Gendou has just bought him, like, ten Super Dollfies and given them names and shit and left him alone? I bet he'd pilot Eva no problem with Desu by his side. Souther made little kids build his pyramids, so I understand how pissed off Shinji is here, on behalf of all those kids. Not everybody can have a thronercycle like Souther. If you have to make people suffer to such a degree, you know, just to get a fucking thronercycle, maybe you should just buy a used Civic.
I remember the implied sex scene shocking people and I'm just not seeing it as shocking. I guess toe-curling is pretty graphic for prime-time. Late-night, you can get away with bodily fluids and so long as there aren't any nipples, it's alright.
Shinji is dealing with women again. "Did you ever really try?" should be the blanket response for pretty much every lonely fanboy's bitching about chicks ever. You know how many GBS threads you could end like that?
Intentional ambiguity is what moe is all about, man. Look at that dude that has like, ten Japanese moemoe Realdolls. He's in a perpetual self-imagined ambiguous state where they all love him but he's not married and life is perrrrfeeeect, except for plastics are cold and they can't breathe. That's why Tenchi never decided on a girl.
Uh oh! Somebody's having a taaantruuuum! This whole choking things is the best he can do. Take that chair! Take that fuckin' table! You're done! You're fuckin' done!
The joke for Komm Susser Tod for the Badass Manly Anime Review was gonna be that he thinks it's a bootleg copy and that his sister fucked it up and one of her Tori Amos MP3s got in the movie somehow.
The other idea I had for that showing was that we were gonna serve Tang. Maybe Tang screwdrivers. That would be really great.
SPOILERS: SHINJI IS THE SAME MAN AS HIS FATHER. Usually people realize they're becoming their mom and dad when they're a lot older than 14. It must be pretty terrible for that to start happening at 14. Do you think 14 year olds have these problems? You know, like jerking off on comatose girls and cross-shaped explosions and tumbling, tumbling down. And clapping for three straight minutes. Cause none of that shit happened to me freshman year.
Do you think the million swimming Reis are rushing to fertilize an egg? Isn't that totally against the rules? Shouldn't they just be maxing and relaxin' on a couch somewhere? There's nothing to do.
Suddenly-- lines girls use on dorks, and people fucking. It's not anybody's fault that girl only likes you as a friend, man. Not like that's ever happened to me or nothin' I don't know what you're talking about okay? It's not anybody's fault other people are getting laid. You need to not fuckin' flip out and cut to live-action just because of that. People have certain responsibilities to uphold and one of those responsibilities is definitely not to just arbitrarily toss a shot of an empty swing and people sitting in a theater and shit like that just because of all that.
Empty theater. I actually really want to see this in a theater one day, but only so that the empty theater shot will be effective. They'd have to show me an empty office chair for this to work on me.
Voice actresses in the street! Oh, you girls. You're not supposed to appear in three dimensions. It ruins everything. Look at the guy in the crowd trying to get the attention of the camera. I guess it worked. Suddenly, death threats! Perspective! It's dead! It died years ago!
This is kind of a weird position, but at least a woman is touching Shinji. We're already well into the classical psychiatrist's couch therapy session part of the movie, but now there is actually a lap. Oh, Shinji! The whole idea is eventual betrayal! Loving is the willingness to get stabbed in the eye and your face all fucked up and eventually the WORLD TURNING INTO BLOOD.
Now you can tell from the music that he knows what's up. Unfortunately for the audience and the sponsors and basically anybody hoping to make money directly off the ticket sales of this bizarre experimental cartoon, what's up has nothing to do with punching monsters from space in the face with a giant robot over and over and fucking over again. I still want to sing Vanishing Trooper.
It's great that I can apparently just re-imagine myself in my own image because when this whole LCL thing happens, I'm gonna be like "I GET TO REFORM AS IDEON! DIBS, DIBS!" I have a clear self-image of being red and made of a truck and having super badass guns and stuff. If I didn't have self-esteem I'd just re-imagine myself as some stupid asshole like Shinji just did. Lesson learned!
Now the movie is over, but it's not one more over. Man, what a shit way to reform the world. At least get yourself some nice scenery going. A little cabin on an island and-- oh right, again with the damned choking and the crying, and nothing has changed. Fin.